Etiquette #1 - Family Ties

A wedding is about tying the knot - not getting into a tug of war with your in-laws to be.

In a day and age where there seem to be no rules, it is worth asking whether there is still role for etiquette.

I would argue that it is and that the desire for formality and grace is still very much in evidence when a bride plans her wedding day. Even the most laidback woman who generally has no time for finishing school-style manners will want to have some custom observed on her day.

This will be the first of an occasional series looking at traditional wedding customs that still have relevance today.

So why not begin at the beginning with the engagement?

While it might be argued that an engagement and the subsequent wedding and marriage is a private affair, it should be pointed out that the bride and groom-to-be are each to be members of a new family and it is important for future domestic harmony that families get to know one another before the wedding day.

American author and wedding etiquette doyenne, Marguerite Bentley in her 1947 book Wedding Etiquette Complete observes:

“Although the formalities between you two families may seem foolish and unnecessary, think about them quite seriously, for they really are important. On those occasion when your families are not well acquainted and if distance permits, the parents of your fiance should pay a call on your parents shortly after the engagement has been accepted by your parents. Strictly speaking, it should be made within twenty-four hours, though some latitude may be given this allotment of time. If your fiance’s parents are not living, some other member of his family should make this call, and it should be returned by your mother or father and yourself. Strictly speaking again, the return call should be within three days, but actually a more comfortable allowance of time may elapse.

If the families live at a great distance from each other and the above procedure is not practical, an arrangements should be made for them to meet each other as soon as possible, well in advance of the date when the marriage is to take place. This is not a mere formality but a matter of great importance. Some marriages would never have taken place if this custom had been carefully observed. In fact, if possible, it is highly desireable for the families to become acquainted with each other.

Marriage is a social matter, It is a junction between two families and totally different backgrounds are not usually conducive to its success. Romantic attraction for various reasons may draw two persons together, but the steady flame of love must be nurtured by fundamental conceptions of life. Meet the members of your fiance’s family and get to know them; I offer the same advice to him. The happiness of your future may depend upon this.

Etiquette is usually founded upon wisdom and has the most practical aspects.”

I couldn’t agree more.